If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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