I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
