fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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