college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
