I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
