"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize
