last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
