or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
