my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize