Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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