I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
