I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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