i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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