did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
