You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Green mimosas i think yes
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
whose parrot is this?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
