she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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