I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
