If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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