I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
