Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize