yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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