She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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