so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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