You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize