When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
