Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
