He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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