Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
