He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize