Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize