it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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