I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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