Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
