the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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