drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
