if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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