I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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