Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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