Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize