I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Randomize
