So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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