No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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