call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
