if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The air was thick with penises
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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