I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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