I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
