im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
