Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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