Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I feel like death gave me a hand job
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
