I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
