I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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