Me too!
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
