I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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