I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
