Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
