Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
