man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Small penises have feelings too.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize